Living with Multiple Sclerosis Part 1 - by Lisa L

We walked into the neurologist’s office my husband and I on 28th November 2003. I was 36 years of age. It was a bleak, grey uninteresting day and I can remember being dressed smart… in clothes that would befit a job interview, silly really I know but what else did you wear to things like this?

I was very nervous and my palms were warm and sweaty but inside my body felt chilled. The consultant didn’t speak much, he was an older gentleman complete with dicky bow and a crumpled wool suit, bifocals perched on the end of his nose. I liked this man, he reminded me of my old boss, a veterinary surgeon I had worked with since I was 19. My consultant went through a series of examinations performed on various parts of my anatomy non that hadn’t been done before. 

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I sat on the raised examination table waiting in anticipation after I had removed my boots, getting more anxious by the second. I stared down hard at my hands, thoughts running through my head. He felt my feet and said “Stone cold.” With a chuckle he then felt my hands, “Hot and sweaty” he said with raised eyebrows as if he had uncovered some major scientific discovery. He went on to test my reflexes, my left side jerked respondent to his hammer. He moved round to my right side and struck just below my kneecap and then my elbow… nothing, my limbs just hung like wet rags. “No reflexes in the right side at all!” he exclaimed with a smile. “What does that mean?” I asked, puzzled by his smile. The words tumbled from his mouth as water pored from a jug. “Your dead!” he answered. I didn’t really understand or appreciate his humour at the time but his job can’t have been easy and I guess that’s how he got through the day. I wondered after if this was the way he broke the news to all his patients. His smiling face peered over his glasses as he told me the MRI scan showed I had lesions on my brain and spinal cord. He went on to tell me I had Multiple Sclerosis, no real treatment. No cure. I felt numb, I didn’t hear much of what he said after that.

The following months were just a muddle of surviving and trying to get things straight in my head. After doing lots of research I realised I had probably had this coming on from my teens. I began to remember strange occurrences, unidentified numbness, bouts of depression and forgetfulness. I had never had any major illnesses as a child and lived my youth outside in the fresh air with the horses and dogs that were my life. I felt cheated… I was a really physically active person, the wrong person to be saddled with MS, why couldn’t it just be given to people that are happy to sit in front of the TV.

I felt myself slipping in and out of a depressed state but the only person that could beat this was me. I searched MS blog sites… What a disaster, these people were just giving in, accepting MS with open arms, not me I was going to fight it all the way. We went to some ‘newly diagnosed classes,’ they were not for me either. So still the search on how to deal with this went on, there is no right way or wrong way but you have to do what is right for you. I did work out that if I exercised I felt better, keeping my muscles strong really helped. I was lucky my years of exercise had paid off and now I no longer curse my foot ballers legs but embrace them for being strong! Now you may have come to realise that I am stubborn and won’t be told, I am always right (well I think I am) I’m not saying I don’t have moments of weakness because I have plenty of those. Days when I want to hide away in self pity and can’t face the world! This happens often and I am ashamed of that but I think ‘here I go again’ that is my bodies way of saying stop for a rest sweetie you are all worn out. MS makes you tired…so tired, its hard to explain.

By the end of the day, teatime to be exact I am nearly on my knees and some days crawl around the work tops getting the dinner ready but at least now I can hold a knife to chop things which is better than a few years ago. I buffeted through those first months like a tumble weed being tossed around by a wind of emotions.

Lisa's Story continued....

 

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