Brian's Personal Story: HIV/AIDS
My name is Brian and I was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS on May 7, 2006, 10 days prior to my 33rd birthday. At a younger age I realized myself to be homosexual, but did not become sexually active till the age of 19. It wasn't till my sophmore year in college that I had my first sexual experience with a male french foreign exchange student and we were together for almost a year. As time passed, so did various "relationships" mostly for sexual gratification or drugs not a lasting commitment. I was young, on top of the world, often selfish, and never thought about the risks involved with such wreckless behavior. I used to visit all of the "hot spots" where you could meet people exclusively for sex. One of my good friends from college at the time often visited the same spots and we would often run into each other over the weekend at some point. One night in particular, I met a man and we spent the evening together at his home.
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My friend told me later on that the man was HIV positive. I will never forget that gut
wrenching, heart pounding feeling when I heard this. I later questioned the man and he told me that he was HIV positive, but told me not to worry as we "didn't do" anything that would have put me at risk. I was 22. Needless to say, I became very depressed and turned to
alcohol and drugs as a way to "numb" my fear, anxiety, and anger. I began to get tested every 6 months with negative results, but I could never get the fact of the matter out of my head. My life began to feel like a ticking time bomb, a dark cloud of impending doom, an addiction out of control, but mostly anger toward the person who didn't have the
courage or the moral obligation to tell me that they were positive. It was in September of 2005 that I started to have the symptoms associated with HIV. I particularly noticed at the time the loss of appetite and the night sweats. I also noticed that my clothes weren't
fitting right due to the weight loss. People in the office started noticing my physical appearance as my facial bones became more visible and someone told me that I looked pale, almost gray in color. This was in April of 2006. I was 32. It wasn't till May when I became very weak, as I had quit eating all together at this point. I had lost a significant amount of weight (15-20) pounds, and visited an Internal Medicine specialist. She diagnosed me within 2 days after my visit. At the time of my diagnosis, I didn't really react like I almost expected myself to. I didn't shed a tear as I belive I was in a state of shock. It wasn't until September almost 3 months after my diagnosis when I began to feel no selfworth, inadequate, hurt, angry, jealous, mistrust, self concious, and most frightning of all suicidal. I am now 36 years old living strong and have been undetectable for over 6 months now. I have also been working on my sobriety with the help of AA for over 3 months now. My counselor asked me once what life was like for me prior to being diagnosed. Of course the sky seemed a little bluer, and the sun a little brighter, but I don't want to go back to the wreckless trek I was on. It is my hope that if someone younger is reading this, that you embrace life, and make better choices. I can always be reached at my E-mail address, and I'm always open for extra support.Brian
SBrian3615@Yahoo.com
(402)499-0285 USA
